Open relationships? Or lack of emotion?

I've been practicing what I call an open relationship for a number of years, but now I think about it, and I actually regret it. But that's not meaning I'm against throuple dating, or I think one-on-one is the norm. It's because I've been pretending to be open all the time. I've hollowed out a relationship, just covering up my cowardly form with an open relationship. My open relationship is not really open.
I want to be loved, but I'm afraid to believe. There is a time when all relationships in the world will end, and the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment, not the pursuit, not the beginning. The tension between wanting to be a partner and not being able to do so makes it easy for me to start falling in love, but it's easy to feel insecure. The beginning of a threesome dating often becomes the beginning of melancholy, feeling that sooner or later, you will be dumped, all day long.
However, the most depressing and frightening thing is not "being abandoned", but "the abandoned script is not as realized as you imagine". At the most insecure moment, I realized that the only thing I could catch was the script I had written for myself. I can't predict an eternal love, but can I always predict a love that will fail forever? To make this script can be safely implemented, I always inadvertently hope someone can get rid of me, then I can continue to believe that "there is no true love in the world," refused to investment, refused to sincerely, refused to openly admitted his desire to want to be loved.
And I asked at poly dating site, "open relationship" gone for many years, and many couples don't come to or go, no promises no vision and no future, felt very independent and very radical, card is actually afraid, afraid to confess. Sometimes very love but dare not to say the exit, afraid of the other party will immediately abandon themselves. Or, on the one hand, because of his own sorrow/black hole is born desire (such as a desire to want to be with) to be filled, but on the other hand, the desire to desire to love and help each other to be loved, is actually his own black hole depressing (I always pretend I don't need people to love.)
Later, I found out that people like me are actually quite a lot. Many are friends of the gay community. Sometimes we say fuck one to one, and the wounds in our hearts don't really face it. The understanding of open relationships is limited to the form, but not the content and spirit of the research.
When I was with kit, I didn't even think about it. A year ago I thought I was going to run around all my life. When we first started, he said he liked being on one with me and he had this desire, and I thought we were going to end soon (I was really scared). But getting along with each other, he made me realize that the real "poly relationship" should not be formally "a lot of partners". If there are a lot of lovers coming and going, but all of them are based on the fear of the psychological black hole, it is only to hide and suppress. This is an emotional cynicism, not an open relationship.
Thanks to kit's constant air quality in bisexual playground, I never abandon my weakness and cowl, and study hard to get along with my difficult people. You are my good teacher, good comrade, good companion.